What I have noticed recently is that I used to hold onto negative thoughts by myself without me realizing it. I always thought life has ups and downs and that’s how life should be but I did not realize how much pain I go through when I’m obsessed with negative thoughts and emotions inside me. What I want to say is that we have been living in our heads so much, we are used to living like that so we can’t come out of the habit of living inside our thoughts.
When I was young, I always thought that I was the victim. When my parents came home late, I used to tell myself that I am a lonely girl, there’s no one who is next to me, and used to grab onto those feelings by myself. And now I look back and I feel I could have somewhat enjoyed thinking that way (It’s contradictory, but I think you might understand what I’m trying to say). Still, it was a great pain obviously, but again it was me who was creating it and holding on to it. In times when things do not work out the way I wanted them to, I always thought that I am enduring everything or I bear up everything. I was grabbing the burden by myself, and pretended to forgive, and pretended to be OK. But inside me, I was continuously telling myself that I am the victim of all these things, and no one knows how much I’ve done.
There was one time when I was in great misery with all those negative thoughts coming up together. I felt demotivated, tired, and depressed, and I wanted to just lie down and do nothing. So I was trying to overcome these emotions somehow with meditation. At first, when I tried to get rid of the negative thoughts with meditation, it disappeared like 20%, and then the situation changed and I forgot about those thoughts. Again when I was living my normal life, I got thoughts, depression, demotivation, etc. I was again meditating to get rid of those things and I think I overcame like 40% then.
When I faced unbearable negativity again in my life, I decided to meditate really hard. At that time, it showed me the root of my mind how I always thought that I am the victim and lived in my own thoughts. With Meditation, when I saw my mind clearly, I could pull the roots out of my mind completely.
Negative thoughts are also arising from your own mind. because there is an input, an output emerges. It could be from the way you lived your life or minds from your ancestors. Because we are holding onto ourselves very tight, and we are so stuck with our thoughts, we cannot be free from the negative thoughts. However if you find the root of your negative thoughts which is your life lived that is your past and the subconscious mind and get rid of them, then the negative thoughts will disappear. Through my experience, I could realize that we should stop trying to change the situations to reduce the negativity inside. We should start from within. We should change what’s inside to truly get the results. All answers you’re looking for are also inside you. If you’re looking for positivity, it will appear once you clean out your negativity.
Now finally I feel like I am free from some heavy thing stuck in my chest. I didn’t know what it was back then, but now I know that it was my deep negative pattern of mind which isn’t there anymore. -Sun yang-