FINDING THE SOURCE OF MY DEPRESSION
I was a child who felt especially lonely
Our family had to move a lot because of my husband’s job: he was serving as a military sergeant. Usually whenever people move to new environments, they become stressed from having to adjust. But for me that burden I had to bear was so immense because we had to move frequently. I always felt my heart had a hole in it; I felt cold and empty. I couldn’t relax my mind and I didn’t have enough space in my mind to really be there for anyone. In my own way, I created a fixed mindset. If my husband and daughters crossed that boundary, I couldn’t handle it.
After my husband quit is job, my family was finally able to settle in Busan. When I started working, a coworker recommended I start this meditation. Even though it was a time when I really had to buckle down and focus on my work, I wanted to empty my mind and get organized so that I would be able to work better.
After one month of practicing this meditation, my oldest daughter noticed my change saying, “You look so much better.” After realizing I was making my family, whom I loved, live in hell, I repented. I constantly viewed the world with my double standards and had many complaints about everything. But once my mind was cleansed, everything became okay. Through the meditation, I found the reason why I was not able to bear lonely situations. The roots originated from the time of my birth.
Understanding, Forgiveness… and Happiness
When my mom had me, she was very sick. So that my grandparents and family members worried about her, but not me. When I was delivered, I didn’t cry. Because of that, they thought I was dead, and ignored me. They tried to do their best to save my mom. I heard this story so many times throughout my life, but I didn’t realize that it was the root of my loneliness.
Even though I was a young baby, I remembered the moment that I was ignored and people paid attention to my mom. It must have been scary being born and placed in a different environment, but that infant had a deep memory of the feeling of being neglected through their indifference. How scary it must have been.
I shuddered with the thought that I had lived suffering from being born into an environment that was not my fault. As my meditation progressed, the resentment toward my mom slowly healed, with the understanding that it was not her fault and that it must have been a heart-breaking situation for her that she couldn’t even take care of her baby because she herself was sick.
Since I completed all the levels of this meditation, I could find my true self completely. I am no longer that past me who had been controlled by trauma. I no longer have loneliness, or sadness. My heart used to be empty, but now it is filled full of happiness. Because I am so relaxed and happy all the time, I am now able to considerate other’s point of view. And I am able to understand them. This is the life that everybody wants to live and I’m living on it now.