I gave myself a hard time
Written Oct 07, 2015 Jiyeon Kim (21 year old) Level 1
I first came to learn about meditation through my dad’s introduction. I had become tired of the same old thing everyday day after day. There were ongoing troubles with my family, and no matter where I went, it seemed that as long as I was there, the atmosphere would become dismal and I was unable to interact with others. As I tried to find the reason or the cause within my family, I ended up blaming others for everything.
In fact, even while meditating, I would wonder ‘Is this working? Am I doing the right thing?’ I would think these thoughts a countless times. Although my father, whom I am closest to, told me over and over again that the meditation really works, I didn’t really get it with my heart. However after looking back on my life for a week and throwing it away, it came to me. The root cause of everything was myself and I was so ashamed and hated myself so much that I wanted to beat that self up. And I was a bundle of inferiority. I would think, ‘Who is it all because of?’, ‘If you did not do that, I wouldn’t have done that.’ I was pushing my opponents away to keep myself secure and protected. I discovered that self. It is amazing to see what I thought would not work, actually worked. And what used to constantly harass my mind when I first started meditating and made me think, ‘I want to go home’ now doesn’t bother me at all. I realized the cause of my suffering was actually myself. Now I think I don’t have to be attached to anything anymore.